IMDb: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Feeling he hadn’t screwed these movies up enough, George Lucas decided to take a machete to Return of the Jedi back in 1997. The band in Jabba’s palace was enhanced digitally (R.I.P. puppet Sy Snootles) and they are made to play a new song. Jedi Rocks I believe it is called… Are you shitting me?! Why? Why did he feel compelled? The old song was cool. It’s what a bunch of scummy-looking puppets should be playing. Not to mention, the original song sounded alien and different. The new one sounds like some retarded top 40 trash.
Not to be out done by the first attempt, the second Death Star’s explosion is even ‘ringier.’ Well, goddamn. Ever since the early 90’s with Star Trek VI, I don’t think I would accept it as an explosion unless it was accompanied by some nonsensical shockwave ring.
The end becomes an abomination worse than the original release. I always thought the Ewoks were a cutesie cop-out and their musical number at the end of the movie made me shutter. However, a way was found to make all of this more ridiculous. At least the original song made sense and however stupid it was, it was well produced. The replacement sounds like they picked a track from some “World Music” sampler CD in the dollar bin at Sam Goody.
And after all is said and done, I can easily imagine a day when all the original Star Wars films are remade to the point when they are no longer recognizable. There will be nothing left but the hyper-chromatic orgy of cartoon-like animated pixels dancing across the screen—but this time in 3D!
Return of the Jedi (Special Edition): 
- bman
IMDb: Meet the Spartans (2008)
This anti-movie has already been thoroughly lambasted here. So I will save you the gory details.
Now let us never speak of it again.
Meet the Spartans:
- bman
IMDb: X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
Though I’ve bagged on Brian Singer before, he did create a very watchable and grown-up version of a super hero movie with X-Men—and a great sequel too. Maybe they were a tad bit soap opera-ish, but the relationship between Wolverine and Rogue in the first film was an interesting one. The same with Professor X and Magneto. There was great character development for what could have been a set of brainless action films.
Sadly this third installment, helmed by none other than Brett Ratner, shits all over the great characters, introduces seemingly hundreds more and, just for good measure, spins a multitude of plotlines—all at the same time. It truly is astounding how accomplished this film is at being shitty. I think it takes a lot of hard work and the consensus of many people to make something suck so bad.
As much as I’d like to blame it all on Brett, I have to say that this chunk of crap was doomed from day one due to a senseless script. I watched the damn thing and honestly I can’t tell you what the hell it was about. What I do remember is they killed off two of the main characters in the absolute lamest of superhero deaths. They teased us with sentinels, which was probably the most exciting part of the movie, until I found out they were fake. And when I heard the line, “I’m the Juggernaut bitch!!!” it made me want to punch myself in the face.
And to think I was excited about Brian Singer leaving X-Men to make Superman Returns. All we got out of that was two turds.
X-Men: The Last Stand:
- bman