IMDb: G.I. Joe (2009)
Oh, yeah, I can smell this one a mile away.
One look at the cast photos gives this one away. Maybe it’s the smirks on the actor’s faces, or the surprisingly fake looking costumes–perhaps the clothing catalog poses.
As long as we have the director of The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing (and don’t foget Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride) onboard, there should be nothing to fear, right?
The only thing that would make this movie good is if it was supposed to be stupid.
G.I. Joe: 
- bman
IMDb: The Village (2004)
Have you ever left a movie and said to yourself, “There’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back”? That’s how I felt leaving the theater after sitting through this stupid movie. First off I’m not a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan. I liked The Sixth Sense but I didn’t love it nor did I think it deserved any Oscar nominations. I was not a fan of Unbreakable at all, I liked Signs but it was nothing to rave about. So I went into this movie with very small expectations and I was still let down.
Let’s start with a quick overview. What seems like 19 century villagers won’t leave their small village because there are creatures out to get them. They can’t wear, see, or have any red around because that attracts the creatures. Okay, I can buy that. I like creatures just as much as the next person. But then through a series of events, a blind girl has to leave the village to go get medicine for the man she loves. It’s a great set up. She’s going to brave the woods and maybe fight some creatures. I like it.
Here’s where you lose me. Her Dad ends up telling her the truth, that there are no creatures and nothing to fear. NO creatures?!?! That sucks. Why are the older villagers telling everyone that there are creatures? What are they hiding? What’s the twist?
The twist is that at it’s actually modern day and not the 19th century like we were lead to believe. What?! What does this mean? Why are these people living like this? It turns out that a group of the older villagers were sick of the big bad world and decided to make their own perfect world.
Really? I mean really? This is the big twist? The big reveal? You must be kidding me. A bunch of friends lost loved ones and decided to live simpler lives. Are you kidding me?! And to keep people from going to explore the world, they tell them there are creatures out to get them. Can this get any worse? It’s too stupid to believe.
What makes it worse is that M. Night decided to give himself a cameo right at the pivotal part of the movie! It just makes me mad. The best part of the movie was the credits and now I know to never go see another M. Night movie ever again.
The Village:
- flipflopgirl
IMDb: The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Christ…I had the misfortune of watching this film. In the theater. Some children were present.
If they were my kids, I would have ushered them away immediately to spare their innocent souls.
Instead I stayed through the whole 82 minutes—I was captivated by the shittiness. It was like watching someone riding a bull. You know they’re falling off, you just don’t know how many times they’re getting their nuts stomped on before the rodeo clowns drag their carcass out of the ring. The only trouble is, when you watch this movie, you’re the bull rider.
How many sex jokes could they cram into this “children’s movie?” Why was Paris Hilton in this movie? How the fuck was this movie ever made?
All these questions and more—never to be answered.
The Cat in the Hat:
- bman